The art of going to a public toilet

One of the daily problems for a significant number of people is going to defecate (yes, defecating. Here we don´t use euphemisms) to one of these places where people go to, let´s say, to do... mmm, their needs (you get the point. Excuse me, but the issue blushes me). I would say that there is little literature about the various ways to avoid getting a deadly disease in these bacteriological fleshpots.

To begin with, I want to dispel the myth that a paltry fine layer of toilet paper can prevent bacteria from jumping from the water and entering where… you know. We also know very well that to achieve this, you need two layers of paper and not of a cheap brand. Please don´t start with the argument that we can put four single layer sheets to match the 4 layers obtained with two double layer sheets. The double layer one has some porosic properties which cannot be imitated by any given number of single layer sheets. This hinders the movement of bacteria.
Secondly, lets move to the real security measures. I will not lie to you, there is little that can be done. The best solution is, as in so many things, prevention. You will tell me: what does “prevention” means in this case? Is it carrying a bottle of antiseptic soap everywhere tied to the belt? No. Is it using a condom for a porn actor size? Due to the nature of the action and the need for the defecation to arrive to the water, I regret to say no again. In this case, prevention is the right choice of the cubicle. From then on, there is nothing else to do. Just pray to our almighty God, David Gilmour (if you're a heretic and you don´t like Pink Floyd, you can pray to your god).

But, which is the right cubicle? For some time now, I´ve been spending some time every day thinking of this issue when I´am at “the situation”. You can imagine which situation I´am talking about (how useful are euphemisms to avoid saying "when I'm shitting". They are the basis of civilization). My conclusions are as follows:

- The most important thing is not to choose those cubicles used by people when they are in an emergency. A person in an emergency is one that, for various possible reasons, has an upset stomach. This affects not only the quality and quantity of harmful pathogens mixed in the mass that is to be expelled but also the quality and the care with which the action itself is undertaken. A person in this situation resembles a Boeing 747 with two engines less. The pilot (the person who is going to defecate) will do its best to reach a safe landing area (the toilet), but very often, he will not get the 100 % of the plane (the shit) on the track (the hole of the toilet). Therefore it is necessary to avoid sitting in one of those places where a tragedy has occurred. We can all imagine the scene based on the movie Alive. First, bacteria are all good and christian and they don´t want to eat between them. Within hours, they will be eagerly waiting for some moron that places their bottoms right above them to access to their body.
- Having said that, let's move to the analysis of which cubicle has potentially been the scenario of more accidents. Common sense would indicate that this will be the closest to the bathroom door. As usual, common sense serves only for people to talk without knowing shit about the issue.
Think of the people who have this problem. They are desperate, making an incredible effort to contain the inevitable. This person is not in full control of his body. Therefore, they are unable to make sudden changes of direction as these imply a contraction of the abdominal area that would be fatal in this situation. Because cubicles usually are not in front of the bathroom door but located parallel to the circulation direction of users of the bath, we have to do a rotation of 90 ° to enter the cubicle. This resembles the situation of an old car trying to turn in a corner at 120 per hour. If you try to make the maneuver, you will end up crashed against the chamfer. In our case, the chamfer is the front of the wall between the first and second cubicle.
Conclusion: the first cubicle is a possible option.

- How do we go on from here? If we continue with the analysis conducted here, one might assume that, in order to smooth the angle of the curve, the subject will go to the last cubicle. Again, the first impression is wrong. This is overlooking a mental mechanism that is present in all human brains and which is the aversion against the last. People tend to choose the first options in everything because they assume they are better or more important. This is the case for some situations but not for others. People like winning and therefore seeks proximity to first place. As we saw, the first position in this case is inaccessible due to force majeure. It then searches the second closest option. Also, here's another reason, related to the speed with which our friend needs to sit. The closer to the cubicle, the sooner he can ends the enormous effort of holding in what wants to go out.

Depending on the severity of the stomach upset and the physical skills of the person, the second cubicle will or not be the choice. It will be if the benefit from entering the second cubicle for being this closer to the entrance of the bathroom is greater than the cost of entering the second and forcing the “machine” (remember that failure means death. Well, not death, but one of the most unpleasant and demeaning things that a human being can experience). This analysis will be conducted cubicle after cubicle until you feel that you can turn without risk (the more urgency you feel, the more risk you will be willing to take since the risk of not doing so is also high).

- Thus, you can arrive at the conclusion that in a bathroom with many cubicles, the last ones will be the best option. If I would have to bet, I would say that the 2nd and 3rd ones will be chosen by more people in an emergency.

- Another issue, on which I do not have a definite opinion, is whether or not to use the last one. If we strictly apply analysis described here, we will arrive at the conclusion that it is the most convenient. My scientific mind drives me to do this but my survival instinct tells me that many in perfect health may think this way and go to this last cubicle. This would make it the least used by the desperate ones but the most used by the rest, losing much of its appeal. In this case, then, I would recommend the use of the antepenultimate, but without forgetting that this may be the second or third as well. In this case, where different criteria overlap, one must avoid entering an “emergency” cubicle. I cannot emphasize this point enough.